The Next Day

After a very long emotional day, I had cried myself to sleep and on February 15, 2006 I awoke around 04:00 with swollen eyes; my first thought was of my baby. Still trying to process what I had learned the prior day. I wanted to begin to journal how I was feeling. I knew I would not have him for a lifetime so I wanted to make note of every memory while he was still alive inside me. Memories of craving ham & cheese sandwiches, with salty Lay's chips, or sending his father out for Skittles and Starburts after midnight and craziest of all - having a sudden interest in watching football.

I would feel him kicking; it was as if there was nothing wrong. I did not know whether to "carry on as normal" or to begin to grieve. I felt guilty if I enjoyed the simple pleasures of eating a meal, or watching a television show, it was as if I had started to mourn.

In the days to come I would be faced with making the decision to terminate the pregnancy or continue to carry him, I had no idea, at that time, the pain my choice would cause me.