Out of Sequence Part II

My sibling was reading my blog and sent me a message that said: "I can't imagine what it feels like to lose the little one. I do hope you find peace with it someday, when you're ready." My response to that would be, "I thought I was at peace with it......". I remember leaving the hospital the Friday after I delivered Eric, my children were at home with my mother and father in law, they were playing in the courtyard while my in laws were seated on the bench. I remember walking out to the courtyard and my kids running up to me, they wrapped their arms around me as I bent over to hug them. I tried to rest that day, between preparing announcements to send to friends and family and planning to meet with the funeral home the following Monday. The doorbell had rang more than once with floral deliveries, each one received would bring me to tears. That Saturday, just a couple days post par tum I decided to "escape"; I went out to the spa to have a pedicure and manicure and then went to the department store to find appropriate clothes for the days ahead that I could actually fit into. We all know that following a delivery with an epidural one should not be driving for at least a week - that did not prevent me from "escaping my reality" that day. Sunday was Mother's Day, how bitter sweet, as they all have been since that year. We prepared to travel to West Virginia the next day to plan Eric's funeral service. I had cried my eyes out from the moment my son became an angel on Thursday, May 11th, till the time we had left for the funeral service on Tuesday, May 16th, I was determined to show great strength throughout my son's service and did not want to cry. I wanted to speak at my son's service and had shared the following prepared words:

I truly believe I understand God's purpose for this journey. And I feel privileged that he chose me to carry this child. Looking back we can see God's hand in every detail. He intricately placed certain people in our lives at just the right moment through out the past seven months.
In September of 2005 I chose to step down from management responsibilities and pursue other interests inside my company. Time had passed, my vacated position was still open and I was now carrying Eric, anxiously waiting for my shoes to be filled. In February of 2006 God placed Cathy Collins at Online, she would be my supervisor, but soon become so much more.
Cathy presented me with the following poem:

To Our Son

Written by Cathy Collins

We loved you before we knew you,

Our baby, our child, our son,

As if there were none others,

And you were the only one.

The joy that we celebrated

Hoping soon to see your face,

Our family would be so perfect now,

You and Jared, Reagan, Ryann and Chase.

We know God loves you more than we,

He always does what's best,

He is not an unkind God

And He never makes mistakes.

There are things that we nay never,

Fully understand,

But with tear filled eyes and broken hearts

He somehow holds our hands.

He is gently leading us now,

Through paths to us unknown.

And together with His love and strength,

We will carry on.

No one will ever take your place,

Love Mommy and Daddy

Jared, Reagan, Ryann and Chase

God has a purpose and a plan for each one of us and it is time we look up and say, "God, I'm ready to listen now!"

My son's funeral service closed with CeCe Winan's song "You Will" playing, I bit my lip as I listened to the lyrics: "Another bird has flown, another part of all of us is gone. Another right has been wrong, will we go on and on. The words from each one of us are all to real, Still I'm not able to feel what you feel. And I cannot say how long it will take for you to heal, but I believe you will

And someday your broken heart will mend, I know it will. And you will find your smile again, so take your time. For time is what it's going to take. And then one morning you'll awake to find there's one less tear. And you're healed, I believe you will"

I felt God's presence and peace come over me as I listened to those lyrics, I was able to let go of the pain, anger and disappointment I had experienced over the prior months - or so I thought I had let go? Maybe it was just for that moment? Maybe I am just now finding my smile again, maybe posting to this blog is helping me heal - had I not found peace yet?